Here are some things I think you should do or know if you come to Warwick.

NB This is not a definitive guide. Not all of it is entirely truthful. Some of it is true. You have to work out which bits. Plus I’ve left quite a lot of really useful information out cos it’s quite boring actually.

1. Go to Mick Dolby’s Music Shop. This is actually called MDM and has a lovely old-fashionedy black sign swinging over the door which says Music Store. It’s in New Street near the church. In it there are lots of nice things such as guitars and strings and drums and shakers in the shape of vegetables and fruits and also Mick who knows mostly what he’s talking about. And if he doesn’t, usually he says. Also if you happen to ask for something like for instance a certain type of tuner which isn’t in the shop Mick will most likely get hold of it somehow for you. Plus when I go in there I usually have a go on the instruments especially any piano-like things and then it usually ends up being a jam depending on who’s in there and Mick plays brilliant guitar. Also there is Rose and she has antique type instruments so you never know what’s going to be in there. So it’s best to go in really. Sometimes you get a cup of coffee. Eddi Reader has been in there and she likes it. Also my mum.

2. Don’t go in any of the antique shops. Unless you are a boring type person. They are extremely boring and everything is old and out-of-date and smells and you can’t buy a pair of socks or a loaf of bread or a pint of milk or some strings for your guitar or get your film developed for instance.There are many many many many many antique shops in Warwick. None of us who live here really know why. (Personally I have a shrewd idea that it might be an antique shop owner who controls the town of Warwick and probably goes round making offers to people they can’t refuse.) If a shop closes down in Warwick, usually it becomes an antique shop by the next day.

3. You should know that there are also many many many many charity shops. None of us know why this is either specially as charity shops tend to put their clothes in colour order. So that if you’re looking for something - anything - blue for instance - well that would be easy to find. But if you need a certain garment you have to look right through the whole place to find it. I only go in the charity shops if I’m doing my shopping by colour that day.

4. Go in The Thai Restaurant in The Market Square. Then tell me what it’s like cos I haven’t been in there yet.   5. The Balti next to it is rather good.

6. The library is horrible looking and not just because some architect went on telly and said it is. (He did). It actually is. It is made of slabs of b rowny-grey concrete stacked on top of one another which looks like a multi-storey car park. That’s probly cos the bottom actually is a multi-storey car park. maybe it started off as a multi-storey car park and then realised there was no library in Warwick and hastily made it into a library pretending that’s what they were doing all along. Anyway there are some books in it plus some bus timetables. And a photocopier and some very pleasant and helpful librarians. And slidey doors to get in and out. I’m quite pleased we have a library so I am not that bothered that architecturally it looks rubbish.

7. On Saturday there is a market. They have made the market square have lots of big round concrete balls in it now. They are just below the level you look in front of yourself when you’re walking along. This is so that when you are walking around in the market square, you easily bump into or trip over them. Especially if you can’t see or if you can’t walk very well. And if you are driving, you can reverse into them very easily. Not that I’ve done it. No-one who lives here remembers saying they would particularly like these in the market square but praps we inadvertently signed something. Personally, I think that they are actually from outer space because one day they weren’t there and the next day they were. This means they must’ve landed there. Perhaps under certain weather conditions or at a given signal unknown to us earthlings, they will mysteriously open up and lots of alien beings will emerge and take over the earth. The market has the usual stuff like clothes, bananas and batteries which have an odd name. And some of those trays with cushions stuck to the bottom. Also a very nice jeans stall at which I have bought many many pairs of jeans for prices like £4.

The Farmer’s Market also happens here on the 3rd Friday of every month. I love this because there are lots of nice homemade and homegrown substances. Like wine, cakes, sausages, fruit, vegetables, bread. I like to go round this market and sample everything. Then I usually get some nice things to eat for a treat. I think it is a shame that this market does not visit more often. Last time it was here I got sprouts on a stick thing and they tasted delicious.

8. On some days during the year the races happen. On the racecourse. This is when lots of four-wheel-drive cars come with their spare wheels in bags which have a rhinocerous on them. These cars park in front of our houses and on the road. It’s funny cos if we parked where they park, we’d get a parking ticket but they don’t seem to. Also they bring a big camera on the end of a long tall stick and some big white lorries which have polystyrene cups coming out of them. Also horses which have a coat of polyurethane and impossibly thin legs. One on each corner. Sometimes some of the people who live here try to go for walks on the racecourse on racedays saying they’re just going for a walk and have no intention of looking at the races. But there are men at the gates who wear special yellow vests and won’t let you in unless you have a ticket. This makes you decide to hop over the fence just to spite them. One day I will be able to afford to go to the races.

Not that I necessarily feel inclined now. But if the wind is in the right direction we can sometimes hear the horses galloping from our back garden.

9. There is a castle in Warwick. It is called Warwick Castle. It has lots of bricks. And a ghost. There are also quite a lot of people made out of wax. I’m not sure but I think this is because it is owned by Madame Tussauds. It is not quite in the centre of Warwick. It is next to the river. What happens is lots of people come in a big coach, get out, go round the castle all day, buy a lot of merch, get back in the coach and go away. It’s a shame they don’t get to go round all the antique and charity shops. But most of all they don’t get to go in Mick’s Music Shop.I have been round the castle a few times.The best bit is the medieval type toilet which is just a hole over the river but from very high up. We always look down the toilet when we go to Warwick Castle.

10. Another good shop to go in is my friend Rob Mundy’s shop. It is actually a furniture shop with very nice furniture but he has also got unusual toys and games which I have not seen anywhere else. He has bagatelle, croquet, perpetual motion type toys, etc. Most of them are woodeny. Sometimes I get given a nice cup of tea in this shop and at Christmas I got a lovely mincepie as well. It is called Mundys. In case you’re interested www.traditionalgames.co.uk. He also sells Karrum which you must try playing if you get the chance. Last Christmas I got a rather nifty miniature indoor curling set. You have to use paintbrushes or toothbrushes for it.

11. Another good place for nice stuff is Present Days in the same street. Swan.My friend David Way who owns it is sometimes in there.(I know all the best people). In his shop you may buy unusual type things like old clockwork type metal toys and special children’s books and ceramic drawer knobs. Plus magnetic poetry sets for your fridge. Just opposite Present Days is a rather good joke and magic shop with all sorts of interesting stuff in. Magic Moments.

12. I should warn you that our only supermarket is a word beginning with ‘Sain’ and ending with ‘sburys’. We have got a Farmfoods but it hasn’t got anything. Sainsburys is very expensive. They’re still doing the thing of moving things around without asking us first. And taking things away without asking us first. And putting new things on at a reasonble price at first and then expecting us to buy it when it goes up. So you can never know what you’re going to be able to buy in there which I think is most inconvenient when you just need some food. I have found in Sainsburys the best ever olives which were on a special shelf and they’re called Olives Aminades from El Pesol. They were absolutely delicious because they were not soaked in salt. But guess what - they have stopped doing them.There is a massive new Tescos which is cheaper but it’s at the end of a traffic jam. Also there are miles too many aisles with many many choices of for instance baked beans or toothpaste or exercise bikes or carrots.

The best thing about Sainsburys is the photobooth where I got all my publicity photos done. They cost £1 each and the nice lady inside the machine can speak all sorts of languages and tells you what to do. Then she asks you if you want to keep your photo and if you don’t, you can do it again. Sometimes I take a friend. I would like to try ‘fit as many people into a photobooth and still be able to take a photo which comes out okay’ one day. Mind you there is exactly the same photobooth in Tesco.

The best game to play in either of these supermarkets especially if you can’t decide what you’re there for is ‘trolley roulette’. This is when you push your trolley down an aisle staying where you are and allowing your trolley to go on by itself. Wherever it stops you have to put whatever is next to it in. (Be careful on the aisle which sells TVs, microwaves and yachts.) I find this quite exciting and you can end out eating some very interesting meals. This is best done with a friend or two as you are quite likely to be escorted to the exit if you tried it on your own. I do not like supermarkets but sometimes I do. Sometimes. But mostly I would prefer not to go in them.

13. Warwick Health Foods is a good shop. I like going in there cos the people are nice and they wear white coats. It’s the best place to go if you are feeling unwell. Because if you go to the doctor, you tend to get told off for having something wrong with you in the first place. The people in the Health Food shop are much better doctors. They tell you all sorts of useful things like using elderflower to get temperatures down. And you don’t have to eat antibiotics or gargle with soluble aspirin. Plus you can get bread.

14. Warwick Arts Centre is absolutely nowhere near Warwick. It’s in Coventry 9 miles away. At Warwick University. None of us who live here can understand why it’s called Warwick Arts Centre. Or Warwick University. It should have been called Coventry University or Arts Centre when it had the chance. It’s not really fair cos if Warwick had an arts centre ever, we’d have to call it something else like Henley-in-Arden Arts Centre. That’s 9 miles away from Warwick. Personally I think the people who made Warwick University felt that calling it Coventry University would give it a bad image so they stole another more posh-sounding name.

15. Finally,if you want to see where the Dangerfield Surgery is, just go down Castle Street off Jury Street. It has Dispensary written over the blue door. It is very uninteresting. More interesting is if you phone up and ask to see Dr. Dangerfield, they don’t laugh. Not surprisingly I spose. So it’s not all that interesting really. Oh yes something which might be interesting is that The Dispensary has a double cellar. This means it has a cellar and then another cellar underneath that cellar. But I don’t spect they’ll let you go in it. Unless you had a really interesting thing wrong with you maybe.

16. Nearly lastly if you have a flat tyre or a duff battery, I recommend Reifen Tyres or Riefen Tyres no I’m sure it’s Reifen. Anyway, they’re on The Saltisford and have nice red boiler suits and lots of tyres and batteries. (Mark who works there has bought a bass from Mick’s music shop.) It is just after the railway bridge that lorries get regularly stuck under when they think they’re shorter than they actually are and then they have to call out the fire brigade and the police and stop the trains from going over the bridge and stop the traffic from going under the bridge and tell off the naughty driver. And bend the bridge back to its original shape using a ladder and some pliers.

17. Lastly of all-lly, Warwick Museum is fantastic. It is in a big building on the square. It is such a calm and normal place to be. It doesn’t try to be modern or interactive or child-centred. It just bes. It has some dinosaur bones, an Irish elk thing, museum attendants who look like typical museum attendants and beautiful brass rails all polished. Upstairs it has a lovely model of what Warwick used to be like before the great fire and some actual stuffed animals which they haven’t done away with to be politically correct. Plus a tapestry. Also a wonderful colony of bees which you can look at through a flat glass thing going in a out of the museum. It is warm and cosy and quiet and you can think. Unless there is a bunch of schoolkids in there. In which case you might what to think about going to a good pub. Of which there are 2 nearby - The Tilted Wig which was in The Good Pub Guide in 1999 and The Rose And Crown which is in it this year.